As a mom, the “mother load” can feel so heavy. How am I supposed to maintain a home, excel in a career, sustain friendships, be a loving wife, raise good humans and stay sane, let alone do anything for myself? If these feelings resonate, you are not alone.
Mental Health Matters
“Women, especially mothers, give so much of themselves to everyone around them,” says Hema Crockett, founder of Recalibrate Coaching in Oceanside. “We feel we ‘should’ take care of others, and in doing so, march straight toward burnout. When we reconnect with ourselves, live authentically, and find ways to bring joy into our daily lives, we rediscover parts of ourselves that may [have been] lost.”
Crockett says that becoming more present (instead of going through the motions) doesn’t just benefit us; it benefits our partners, children and friends. “When we take care of ourselves, we show up more fully for the people we love.”
If we want our children to grow up healthy, happy and well-adjusted, then we have to model what that looks like. But how? Below are tips for prioritizing your emotional well-being and creating a more authentic, joyful life.
Ditch Perfectionism
Perfection doesn’t prepare children for an imperfect world. Continuous attempts to be (or make things) perfect does not serve kids well.
Research shows that in order to form healthy attachments, children require their needs to be met 50 percent of the time. This doesn’t mean children should be neglected, but it does mean parents don’t have to be flawless. Stop over-analyzing every decision and focus on the big picture. To clarify, the remaining percentage of time should allow kids guided independence in decision-making and practicing emotional skills.
Quell Unrealistic Expectations
Toddlers don’t need Kardashian-level birthday parties, nor does your house need Joanna Gaines-level interior design. Be realistic about available time, energy and financial resources. Scrolling Pinterest and Instagram can be a slippery slope because comparison is the thief of joy. Contributing to society’s unrealistic standards is not supportive of moms, especially those who may be struggling.
Limit Screen Time
In the book Remaining You While Raising Them, author Alli Worthington explains that taking care of herself means unfollowing social media accounts that trigger dissatisfaction and refining her feed to real friends and accounts that encourage, educate or entertain. Note that active scrolling involves commenting and connection while passive scrolling lacks both, leading to comparison and discontent.
The internet also feeds anxiety by overwhelming users with new risks, illnesses, horror stories, and “expert advice” that contradicts everything people are trying to accomplish.
Silence Mom Guilt
It’s easy to get swept up in a tornado of “shoulds”: I should read to the kids more; we should watch less TV; should I leave my job to stay home? Well-meaning advice adds to this chaos. What appears a simple comparison from an older relative on how she raised her kids can cause an overwhelmed parent to spiral. Crockett recommends reading the book The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer, which helps readers navigate the internal voice behind so many "shoulds" and fears. “It’s one of my all-time favorite books!” she says.
Above all, learn to prioritize your family’s needs and trust your mom gut. You know what’s best for your family.
Practice Self-Care
Start with small, five-minute exercises, like repeating affirmations or practicing gratitude. Work your way up to longer activities, like a mom’s night out or getting a massage. Other self-care ideas include starting a hobby, eating healthy, date nights, enjoying an empty house or taking a long bath. Be intentional.
Get more ideas in “10 Ways to Practice Self-Care: A Guide for Busy Parents” at www.sandiegofamily.com/parenting/10-ways-to-practice-self-care-a-guide-for-busy-parents.
Build Your Village
Studies show that valuable friendships result in better health and happiness over time, even more so than familial relationships. It’s important to have people you can be real with, and that relate to what you’re feeling.
“Surround yourself with people who think [emotional health is] as important as you do,” says Lakeside mom Amber Deegan. “Find women with similar interests: A church group, running group, Facebook group. I have even met moms across the country on Instagram.”
“Even a monthly coffee date where you can be honest about struggles and wins can be transformative,” says Crockett.
Set Boundaries
Learn to say no. Friends and family members that care about your well-being will love you and respect your decisions, regardless of any inconvenience.
Learning to set boundaries around relationships that are toxic or unhealthy is also important. If interactions with a friend or family member lead to over-analyzing long after they conclude, it may be a sign that the relationship is no longer healthy.
Get Vulnerable
Whether you confide in your partner, a therapist, friends or through journaling, vulnerability improves connection, reduces isolation, promotes personal growth and improves emotional regulation.
Mental Health Resources
National Maternal Health Hotline
Free, confidential; English and Spanish
Call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA
Postpartum Support International
www.postpartum.net
1-800-944-4773 (English or Spanish)
971-203-7773 (text in Spanish)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
San Diego Access & Crisis Line
www.211sandiego.org/health-wellness
888-724-7240
Hema Crockett
Recalibrate Coaching
www.hemacrockett.com
Jennifer Garcia is a mom and wife in East San Diego County who finds self-care and creative outlets through freelance journalism, photography and graphic design.
