Football Terms Only Parents Understand
First Down!
Parental exclamation after the younger of two siblings goes to sleep.
Running Back
What you do five minutes after you’ve left the house without ample pacifiers.
Halftime
How to settle the issue of getting one free cookie but having two children on the verge of fighting over it.
Good Field Position
A shady picnic spot in the park far from other children and dog poop.
Red Zone
What keeps companies like Desitin and Vaseline in business.
Offensive Line
“Shut up!”
Defensive Line
“But she hit me first!”
30-Second Time-Out
When you run out of time to give a full one.
Instant Replay
What happens when the first restaurant menu tic-tac-toe game ends in a tie.
Extra Point
The benefit of mechanical pencils over traditional #2 pencils.
Pass Protection
In the minivan, when your child tells you the left lane is clear.
Tight End
The part of a child’s sock that is hardest to put on.
One-Hand Reception
When you hold a crying kid with one hand and take a call with the other.
Flea-Flicker
The family dog, especially when lounging on your child’s bed.
Turnover
The point at which one child’s allotted water-fountain period ends and another’s begins.
Strong Safety
The moment at which a parent says “Hold my hand! We’re in a parking lot!”
Joel Schwartzberg is an award-winning essayist and book author.
