Grandparents Day and Beyond: How to make the relationships strong
Grandparents fill a unique role in a child’s development, providing both love and a window into family history. Honor the elders in your family this Grandparents Day (and throughout the year) by helping to build and maintain these special relationships.
Nurture the Relationship. Like all relationships worth having, those between children and grandparents take time and attention. Do your part by providing plenty of opportunities for interaction, both in person and otherwise. Even if you are divorced, the value your child can obtain from a grandparent is worth putting aside any disputes you may have with former in-laws.
Set Limits. Many grandparents will follow your parenting example and enforce your rules with the children. To those who try to impose their own child-rearing methods, explain that this undermines your authority and confuses the children. Ask for their cooperation, stressing how much you value their relationship with your child.
Distance Busters. Grandparents who live far away require more creativity to maintain strong contact. Besides visits, use technology and snail mail to keep ties strong. The more consistent and frequent the contact, the easier it will be to make the most of in-person visits.
Memory Building. Your children will outlive your parents, so it’s important to build memories that sustain your children in the future. Encourage activities that result in concrete reminders of time spent together. For suggestions, see “Things To Do With Grandparents, below.
One-On-One vs. Family Time. Try to spend time together as a family, but balance it with one-on-one time between each grandchild and grandparent.
Parent / Grandparent Relations. Don’t allow disputes with parents or in-laws cloud your children’s relationships with their grandparents. Children size people up with amazing accuracy, and grandparents likely treat a grandchild better than they treat you.
Understand Grandparents’ Limitations. Help your children understand that grandparents may tire more easily than they do. Don’t burden grandparents with child care beyond their physical or emotional limits.
Avoiding Jealousy. A child who develops an especially close relationship to a grandparent may seem, at times, to prefer that grandparent to her actual parents. Be assured that your child still loves you as much as ever, just as your love for one child is undiminished by the birth of another.
Dealing with Sickness and Death. Our time with older relatives is limited and often complicated by physical or mental decline. Explain illnesses, including dementia, emphasizing the need for continued contact, love and respect. Understand that children may mourn a death differently than adults. A child may suddenly develop behavior problems or become reclusive. Give children a chance to discuss sad feelings, and seek professional help in extreme situations.
Grandparents Who Have Passed. If your family’s grandparents have died, look for other seniors to “grandparent” your child. Older relatives, especially those without grandchildren of their own, may welcome the chance to develop a stronger relationship with your child. Consider programs offered by local retirement homes or libraries that match children with senior volunteers.
Grandparents are a precious gift; Make the most of your time with them! Everyone will benefit right now, and your children will have memories to cherish the rest of their lives.
Things to Do with Grandparents
Share Old Photos: Let grandparents share stories behind the pictures: How Grandpa almost missed the wedding, or how a newlywed Grandma burned the Thanksgiving turkey.
Create a Memory Book: Put together photos and souvenirs of times spent together; add written comments by both grandparent and child.
Mail: Handwritten letters, cards and kid’s artwork are always a joy to receive the old-fashioned way, but email is great for frequent and quick exchanges.
Outings: Concentrate on activities that promote conversation. Visits to zoos, parks or museums are better than sitting in a movie theater.
Overnight Visits: If grandparents are able and willing, let kids sleep over and experience their daily routines.
Sharon Nolfi MA is a licensed school psychologist and parent of grown children.
