How—and why—to instill true gratitude in your kids
Sincere gratitude seems to be dying out in America, but Andrea and David Reiser say it’s a trend that can be reversed by involved parents.
Venture out to the mall, and you’ll doubtless see multiple examples of what’s fast becoming the “typical” kid: selfish, entitled, impolite, ungrateful, and constantly plugged in to video games, computers, cell phones, etc. You’ve encountered kids like this often—and perhaps, despite your best intentions, you’re afraid the previous description might apply to your own children as well. Overall, it seems that parents across the country have thrown up their hands in frustration and defeat—but David and Andrea Reiser say that we don’t have to settle for an America full of kids who take everything they have for granted.
“Yes, it is possible to reclaim our capacity to parent and to refocus our children’s attention and values,” promises Andrea, co-author along with her husband David of the new book, Letters From Home: A Wake-up Call for Success & Wealth. “At the center of the values we teach ought to be a profound sense of gratitude—for where we live, for the rights and privileges we have here, for family and friends—not to mention the many material blessings most kids have.”
Most parents will agree that an increased amount of thank-yous from their offspring would be a good thing. However, the Reisers are quick to point out that they’re not just talking about politeness. Yes, teaching your kids to say “thank you” is important, but truly instilling a sense of gratitude in them is another matter entirely. Essentially, the manners are a mark of politeness, while gratitude is a mindset and a lifestyle.
“Gratitude is an attitude of deep appreciation and thankfulness for the kindnesses and benefits you perceive yourself as receiving,” David explains. “That’s something my wife and I have really tried to model for our own sons, because we truly think gratitude can change the tones of their lives. Gratitude is transformational, especially when expressed freely and generously.”
“Imagine how different our country would be if everyone thanked friends for being friends, workers for doing their jobs well, and so forth,” says Andrea. “We’d all be more connected and enjoy a much more encompassing sense of community. And guess what? That kind of change starts at home.”
Why Instill Gratitude?
Gratitude is good for you! Believe it or not, gratitude is good for you on a very basic level. In fact, a study conducted by Dr. Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, reveals that cultivating gratitude can increase happiness levels by around 25 percent, and can also cause individuals to live happier, more satisfied lives and enjoy increased levels of self-esteem, hope, empathy, and optimism.
“I think those sorts of findings speak for themselves,” says David. “Other studies have shown that kids who practice grateful thinking have more positive attitudes toward school and family!”
Gratitude grants perspective—even in kids. When you take into account the sheer amount of opportunities, privileges, and material possessions most kids enjoy through no effort of their own, it’s easy to see why many of them feel entitled. After all, they’re used to getting a great deal without knowing or caring where it comes from. However, practicing gratitude underscores the fact that all of those toys and lessons and creature comforts don’t just pop out of thin air.
“When your children specifically articulate that the things they own and the opportunities they have come from someone other than themselves, they’ll develop a healthy understanding of how interdependent we all are on one another…and they’ll be more inclined to treat others with genuine respect,” explains Andrea.
Gratitude improves relationships. Who would you rather work with: a colleague who freely acknowledges and appreciates your contributions, or a colleague who takes your efforts for granted with—at most—a perfunctory grunt of thanks? The appreciative co-worker, of course! It’s a simple principle: gratitude fosters stronger, more positive, and more genuine relationships.
“Gratitude and humility, which is a direct derivative of being thankful, will make your child more enjoyable to be around,” David says. “What’s more, those qualities will win your child genuine friends and lasting respect throughout life.”
Gratitude counteracts the “gimmes.” We all know what the “gimmes” are: they’re the constant, selfish demands of children (and adults) who constantly want more, more, more. (Think Veruca Salt and her constant refrain of “Don’t care how, I want it now!” in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.) Just as Miss Salt demonstrates, the gimmes are usually exhibited by individuals who aren’t interested in knowing or acknowledging the details of how they get what they want.
“Fundamentally, gratitude is all about being aware of who or what makes positive aspects of your life possible, and acknowledging that,” Andrea says. “When your kids learn to think like that, they’ll be much less likely to make mindless, self-centered demands. Plus, they’ll appreciate what they have, and their happiness won’t be based as heavily on material things.”
How to Instill Gratitude?
Don’t just count your blessings—name them. Have a minute of thanks in the morning—you and your kids can each name a few things you’re thankful for. Whether the list includes a favorite toy, a good grade, or a hug from Grandma, this tradition will start the day off in a positive frame of mind.
“Alternately, you can have a minute of thanks at dinner; it makes for pleasant mealtime conversation,” David suggests. “And if you have older kids, encourage them to keep a gratitude journal and write down a few things they were thankful for each day before going to bed.”
Link gratitude to your Higher Power. There are a wealth of benefits attached to attending regular religious services, and helping kids gain a sense of gratitude is one of them. After all, most religious traditions emphasize the practice of gratitude through acknowledging blessings and through serving others.
“Even if you’re not part of a formal worship community, you can offer prayers personally at appropriate times,” Andrea says. “Spirituality and gratitude go hand-in-hand.”
Be a grateful parent. As most parents know, the way you treat your kids affects their development much more than the rules you set. When it comes to gratitude, tell your kids why you’re grateful to have them….and do it often.
“It goes without saying that you love your kids, and that you’re thankful beyond words for their love, their smiles, their hugs, and so much more,” David says. “When you tell them those things, their self-esteem will be boosted for the right reasons.”
Don’t shower them with “stuff.” This dilutes the “gratitude” impulse. Remember, all things in moderation…including your kids’ stuff. Yes, it’s okay to want to give your children the best, and the Reisers certainly aren’t suggesting you refuse to buy them anything but the bare essentials…just don’t go overboard.
“If you buy your daughter whatever she wants, whenever she wants it, she won’t value or respect her belongings,” Andrea says. “What’s more, she’ll grow up believing that getting what she wants is her due.”
When your child wants something, make him pitch in. If your child receives an allowance (or payment for a job), think twice before letting him pocket every last penny. If he wants a new video game, bike, or even to go on a trip with friends, ask him to help save for those things himself.
“Depending on the amount of your child’s weekly allowance or how much he makes mowing lawns on the side, you may still end up footing a majority of the bill yourself,” David says. “The point is, though, that your children will be active participants in working toward what they want. When they understand the real value of a dollar, they’ll be more likely to appreciate what you and others do for them.”
Keep a stack of thank-you cards on hand. Insist that your kids use them often. By and large, sending out thank-you notes is one of those arts that seems to be dying. Don’t let that be the case in your house. Send out regular thank-you notes—definitely when your child receives a gift, but also to teachers at the end of the school year, for example, and to Little League coaches and ballet teachers.
“Make sure your child is the one composing and hand-writing the notes, not you,” Andrea says.
Set a good example. Say “thank you” sincerely and often. “Do as I say, not as I do” is, at best, an ineffective parenting strategy. The values your children espouse as their lives proceed aren’t those that you nag them into learning, but the ones they see you living out.
“Every day, there are numerous opportunities for you to model gratitude to your children,” David instructs. “For example, thank the waitress who delivers your food, the cashier who rings you up at the grocery store, and the teller at the bank who cashes your check. When your kids see you expressing thanks, they’ll do so too.”
Ask your kids to give back. The old saying, “It’s better to give than to receive” has stuck around for a reason. It really does feel great to help someone else out. Depending on their ages, encourage your kids to rake leaves for an elderly neighbor, say, or volunteer at a nursing home a few hours a week.
Andrea says, “When your kids give their time and energy to help others, they’ll be less likely to take things like health, home, and family for granted—plus, selfless service tends to dilute selfishness in kids and adults alike.”
Insist on politeness and respect all around. When your kids treat other people with dignity and respect, they’ll be more likely to appreciate the ways in which those folks contribute to and improve their own lives. They’ll be less likely to take assistance and kindness for granted, and more likely to value it as much as it deserves.
“Specifically, it’s important for parents to model to their children the importance of treating all people with respect,” David clarifies. “It’s fairly instinctual to treat bosses, spiritual leaders, and other high-profile folks respectfully—but it’s shamefully easy to ignore or even demean others. Teach your kids to treat everyone with respect: the lunch lady, the person who bags your groceries, the trash collector—not to demean these people or have a superiority complex.”
Look for teachable moments. Yes, it’s important to have conversations about values with your children on a regular basis—but be aware that from time to time, situations that illustrate your point perfectly will arise. Be prepared to use them as the powerful teaching aids that they are.
“If your child tells you about a classmate who only has one scuffed-up winter coat, say, or mentions that he’s happy to have his cast finally removed, point out to him how fortunate he is to have ample clothes and to have his good health restored,” Andrea instructs. “When your kids can connect the concept of gratitude to a real-life situation, the lesson you’re teaching will be much more likely to stick.”
Find the silver lining. We’re all tempted to see the glass half-empty from time to time…and kids are no exception. When you hear your child complaining or griping about something, try to find a response that looks on the bright side.
“Often, kids and adults alike are more unhappy than they need to be because they’re overlooking positives for which they should be grateful,” points out David. “This lesson was really driven home to Andrea and me by the salmon slicer at a deli. We asked him how he’d been, and he said, ‘I go home to a warm bed. There’s food on my table. I have running water and I can take a hot shower. I am blessed.’ Just imagine how different life would be if you adopted this attitude and passed it on to your children!”
Andrea concludes, “We truly are a nation built on gratitude—think about the scores of immigrants who have come here over the years, bursting with thankfulness for the chance to start a new, free life. Your own children are probably being raised in vastly different circumstances, but it’s still important that they carry on a legacy of gratitude. Start taking steps to instill this important attitude in your family today, and we all just might wake up to a more pleasant tomorrow.”
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David and Andrea Reiser are proud to contribute 100 percent of royalties and other income from the publication of the book by supporting three personally meaningful charities. www.resiermedia.com
