friendly siblings sm

Friendly Siblings–what’s the secret?

We’ve all dreamed of them. Many of us have actually seen them. But how do we actually raise them? I’m talking about siblings who get along, those mysterious brothers and sisters who enjoy being together and have each other’s back.

There’s no magic wand to wave and make our children stop bickering, but there are some techniques to encourage a cordial, dare we say, friendly relationship. After all, your kids will have each other long after you’re gone. It’s in their best interest to help them appreciate each other while they’re young.


1. Don’t compare

Nearly all experts agree that the number one thing parents can do to help their kids be on good terms is to not pit them against each other. Whatever you do, don’t choose a favorite. Beware dreaded phrases such as “Your sister never….” Or “Why can’t you do what your brother does?” Jane Isay, author of “Mom Still Likes You Best,” says that only serves to fuel the competition. “Kids don’t blame their parents for the unfairness as much as they grow to resent their brother and sister.”


2. Stay out of the way

Try not to get too involved in your kids’ arguments, unless there is physical injury or cruel taunting. Learning cooperation and problem solving is an important skill in life, and one best taught by having to work problems out with siblings. Isay cites one grown woman who remembers biting her own arm as a child and then blaming her sister. So don’t assume you know what your kids are up to. They may need help resolving a conflict, but try not to take sides. Don’t blame the older one for not “knowing better”—that puts undue pressure and resentment on the oldest child.


3. Attitude is everything

Don’t assume that sibling rivalry is necessarily a given.

Vikki Stark, MSW, interviewed more than 400 women, teens and girls about their sister relationship for her book, “My Sister My Self.” She examined the relationships of what she calls bonded sisters. “I found over and over that sisters who were close came from families who put a lot of emphasis on the relationship,” she explains. “It was a family culture – you are sisters, you have each other to depend on for life and we expect you to have a close relationship.”

Katie Allison Granju, a mom of five kids and author of “Attachment Parenting,” has found that the best way to build a good sibling relationship is simply to have a sort of unspoken, baseline expectation within the family that siblings will indeed be friends. She explains, “I see some families where the parents are constantly making remarks about sibling rivalry and jealousy and the mom and dad almost seem to fan the flames of potential sibling ‘issues’ starting in early childhood. Encouraging your children to view their siblings as close allies brings them together in a very fundamental way.”


4. Activities and opportunities 

Have your kids go to each other’s games and activities. Get them involved in each other’s lives so they have a better appreciation for the other person.

“We go to each other’s activities, participate in activities together and we as parents are supportive of each other as well as our children,” says Patricia Walters-Fischer, mother of two kids. Not only do her children go but they offer support as well, encouraging each other before a big game or performance and offering comfort when things don’t go well.  Kids don’t need to go to every event of their brother’s or sister’s, but they should know what it’s all about.

As a family, play games or be active together—walk the dogs, go for a bike ride or even fly a kite. There’s a reason that family game night is gaining popularity: it encourages teamwork and a healthy sense of competition. When families spend their time shuttling kids from activity to activity, they lose the sense of being a unit and become instead a group of individuals.

Dr. Mark Sharp, a family and child psychologist, finds that anything that helps kids identify together as a part of a family is particularly helpful. “Family traditions, family rituals, these experiences create a sense of a bond. That helps create a sense of shared identity which helps them feel closer.”

Don’t forget to let your children be bored together. Boredom often encourages creativity and imagination and sometimes that forces siblings to spend time together.


5. Joint chores

Once in a while, give your kids something they have to do together—wash the car, rake leaves or wash and dry the dishes.

Dr. John Duffy, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Available Parent,” recalls one family who always assigned co-chores: “Whether it was doing the dishes, walking the dog or taking out the garbage, at least two siblings were involved. In doing this, the parents created a situation in which cooperation was an imperative, and their children have really risen to it.”

Isay also remembers growing up and spending summers at a cottage with no running water. She and her brother had to do the dishes every night, including getting the water, heating it, washing and drying. They hated every minute of it so they made up songs of protest, which ended up bonding their relationship. It’s something they both remember and chuckle about to this day.


6. Conversations

Family meetings allow family members to safely and comfortably tell about problems or conflicts that they feel with their brothers or sisters. Everyone should be allowed to speak, and everyone should be expected to listen. It’s the perfect time to plan family events, discuss opportunities, resolve conflicts and offer up congratulations.

Throughout the week look for opportunities to continue to share and encourage each other. Parents shouldn’t be shy about divulging their good news, frustrations and accomplishments with their kids. Likewise, kids should be encouraged to regularly talk about their days’ events.


7. Vacations

Finally, don’t underestimate the value of a family vacation for bringing siblings together. The effects may be temporary, but when kids are out of their comfort zone, away from their friends and forced to spend time together, amazingly they often enjoy each other.

It doesn’t need to be anything elaborate. In fact, a weekend camping trip offers some of the best opportunities for working together, hanging out, having fun and experiencing something new. It also removes the technical gadgets that kids are so used to now.


8. If that doesn’t work…

Alas, for some families, even with the best intentions and actions, nothing works. Their kids seem to enjoy being in a constant state of fighting, tattling and arguing. It may be a tough few years for you, but what I say offers a silver lining: “The fact that they’re fighting as kids has no relation to how they will get along as adults.”

----------------
Laura Amann is a freelance writer with four children. Most of the time, her kids get along remarkably well. But not always.

Is My Child Ready for Kindergarten? Important skills to teach at home

Is My Child Ready for Kindergarten? Important skills to teach at home

  Kindergarten is an important milestone in a child’s life and as parents, we want kids to be prepared. “Kindergarten is [often] the first time children are given an opportunity to be indepe . . .

Read more

Ask Ms. Lydia: What Questions Should I Ask When Looking for a Preschool?

Ask Ms. Lydia: What Questions Should I Ask When Looking for a Preschool?

Dear Ms. Lydia, My husband and I just recently moved to the San Diego area and need to find a preschool for our 3-year-old son. We are overwhelmed with all the choices. There are so many different . . .

Read more

Little Kids in Weddings: Tips for ring bearers and flower girls

Little Kids in Weddings: Tips for ring bearers and flower girls

My first memory: I’m 3, wearing the prettiest, fluffiest dress in the whole world. I’m holding hands with a yucky boy and carrying a wicker basket full of flowers. I’m beaming with anxious joy . . .

Read more

Tips to Foster a Child's Love of Reading

Tips to Foster a Child's Love of Reading

Get your child involved in books and foster a lifelong love of reading. Here are tips from PBS Kids:  Visit the local library often. Get kids their own library card. Attend storytimes a . . .

Read more

Silly Songs to Get Chores Done

Silly Songs to Get Chores Done

Sing it Clean: 8 Silly Songs to Get Chores DoneMotivating a preschooler to clean up can be as frustrating as herding cats. Instead of sending your toddler into a tailspin when playtime is over, enco . . .

Read more

Teach Math and Science to Preschoolers

Teach Math and Science to Preschoolers

What is the right age to start learning about math and science? You may be surprised to learn that your preschooler is ready to be introduced to more than rote counting and discussing the . . .

Read more

7 Tips for Dealing with Picky Eaters

7 Tips for Dealing with Picky Eaters

I don’t like Brussels spouts. Why does broccoli look like trees? Vegetables make me throw up. Why can’t we just order McDonald’s?We’ve all heard these phrases or something similar uttered by . . .

Read more

What Parents Should Know about Children's Oral Health Care

What Parents Should Know about Children's Oral Health Care

Like many areas of the body, a person’s mouth is teeming with bacteria, most of them harmless. Normally the body’s natural defenses and good oral health care, such as daily brushing and flossing . . .

Read more

How to Make the Most of the First Day of Preschool

How to Make the Most of the First Day of Preschool

My husband and I tried to prep our 3-year-old son Dylan, the best we could for his first day of preschool. We told him he’d be meeting all sorts of new people and making a bunch of new friends. “W . . .

Read more

Toys Your Child Can Learn and Play With

Toys Your Child Can Learn and Play With

Every parent knows that children learn most by playing. Through play, children learn how to explore their lives, peers and surroundings, how things work and the difference between success and failur . . .

Read more

10 Ideas to Help Children Read Outside of the Classroom

10 Ideas to Help Children Read Outside of the Classroom

“Learning how to read should not be confined to the classroom,” said Amy Jo Dowd, Ph.D., education research advisor for Save the Children.  “There are many fun ways that parents, communit . . .

Read more

How to Fund Your Child's Education

How to Fund Your Child's Education

While most of us realize that we will need to save money for our children’s college educations, we may need to figure out how to start funding our children’s education quite a few years earlier . . .

Read more

Make Play a Priority

Make Play a Priority

You’ve heard it time and time again, “The first five years of a child’s life are the most critical to their development.” This idea is not anything new, but recent research shows just how much . . .

Read more

8 Questions to Ask Yourself When Purchasing Holiday Toys

8 Questions to Ask Yourself When Purchasing Holiday Toys

Pediatric occupational therapists say items that focus on motor skill development, cognitive learning provide best value when it comes to kids The holiday season provides the opportunity to unabashed . . .

Read more

Asthma Medicines Increase the Risk of Cavities

Asthma Medicines Increase the Risk of Cavities

Did you know that your child’s asthma medicine can weaken healthy enamel, making teeth vulnerable to dental disease? “Caries” is the term that dentists use to describe dental disease. You an . . .

Read more

How to Make Reading Irresisitable to Boys

How to Make Reading Irresisitable to Boys

I want my son to love books, so I began reading to him when he was tiny. Despair descended when, at 6 months old, he was more interested in eating books than reading them. But I wiped off the drool . . .

Read more

How to Help Kindergarteners Make a Smooth Transition into School

How to Help Kindergarteners Make a Smooth Transition into School

Help your kindergartener score a smoother transition into school.   Kicking Off Kindergarten For many parents, kindergarten signals a major milestone from the all-consuming baby and toddler . . .

Read more

The Privileges System for Children

The Privileges System for Children

It is possible to raise kind, well-mannered children with no yelling, no spanking, and no time-outs. When I created the Privileges System three years ago, my daughter needed boundaries… fast. I al . . .

Read more

Toothbrushing Tips for Kids

Toothbrushing Tips for Kids

Each night at my house there’s a show after dinner. I call it dental drama. As I approach my son’s mouth with the toothbrush, he closes it tight. I ply him with sparkly, watermelon-flavored toot . . .

Read more

Traveling with Food Allergies

Traveling with Food Allergies

Traveling can be extremely stressful for the 12 million Americans with food allergies and 3 million with celiac disease. In fact, most people with food allergies and sensitivities list traveling and . . .

Read more

Be Family Informed – Sign up for our Newsletters below!

Subscribe