While we celebrate Mother’s Day in May, it’s also Mental Health Awareness Month. Studies show that 66–82 percent of moms report feelings of loneliness and isolation, significantly increasing the risk of anxiety and depression.
If the trendy “Antisocial Mom’s Club” slogan resonates with you—Girlfriend, I see you. I’ve long been content with my work-from-home, introverted lifestyle—or at least I was before becoming a mom. While I still cherish my “me time,” being a parent has shown me that raising kids truly takes a village. Leaning into connections has helped keep me upright.
“When a mother feels alone in her fears, exhaustion or intrusive thoughts, those experiences often grow louder,” says Dr. Cassidy Freitas, a San Diego Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in maternal mental health. “A ‘village’ provides co-regulation, perspective, practical help and emotional steadiness… [it] allows a mother’s nervous system to soften instead of staying in survival mode.”
Daily parenting demands are draining; and estimates suggest only 14 percent of moms live near family. Building a foundation for community isn’t easy, but it’s worth prioritizing. Sinking into the couch (and isolation) may be the easy option, but growing a supportive parenting network doesn’t require a surplus of energy. Even the term “Antisocial Mom’s Club” implies connection through shared experiences (motherhood) and emotion (social apprehension).
Needing a village doesn’t mean we’re incapable; it means we’re human.
Village Roots (how it started)
While a two-parent household may seem traditional (even old-fashioned to some), it’s actually a modern concept. Historically, parenting was a multigenerational effort, with children benefitting from the various skills and strengths of multiple people (grandparents, aunts, uncles) who helped raise them. These caregivers or “alloparents” have become today’s “villagers” (aka mom squad, friend network, mama tribe). They’re anyone besides a parent who supports the parenting journey. Many experts believe alloparenting helped our ancestors survive when similar species didn’t. Parenting villages have been (and still are) vital to survival.
The Power of a Support System
Moms thrive when they connect with others—especially with other parents who truly “get it.”
“Motherhood is a rollercoaster,” says Chelsea Maxson of Del Cerro. “Some days you’re cruising—confident, capable… Other days you’re scared, excited, overwhelmed (maybe even a little nauseous) … A support system doesn’t fix everything, but it normalizes everything. It reminds you that you’re not alone, that you’re not failing, [and] that this is just part of the ride.”
The impact is physical, too. In I Was Told There’d Be a Village, author Melissa Wirt writes that poor social connection poses a greater risk to health than obesity, drinking or inactivity. It can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day!
Similarly, researchers found that the greatest predictor of happiness and overall health isn’t wealth or achievement—it’s strong relationships. Research even suggests that friendships can become more beneficial than family ties as we age.
“I met my village when I volunteered to be a co-leader for my daughter’s Girl Scout troop (she is now a mom herself),” says Sandy Seaman of Rancho Peñasquitos. “We moms supported each other through many life challenges while raising our children. Now that the kids are grown, [our friend group] gets together for meals, games and annual trips. These women mean the world to me!”
Small Steps, Big Connections
Moms are busy; some spend up to eight hours a day on childcare alone, not to mention chores, errands and careers! Add sleep (ha), and it feels like nothing is left. But prioritizing connection with others is not only healthy, it also models healthy friendships and self-care to those little ones you spend so much time caring for.
“Support does not have to mean a large circle of people or a perfectly organized group of friends,” says Dr. Freitas. “Even one or two safe, reliable people who show up consistently can dramatically change a mother’s experience.”
Here are ideas to establish and grow a supportive parenting community:
- Make the first move. Compliment a mom, ask about her child or seek advice on local activities. If your kids hit it off, suggest a playdate.
- Join a group. Consider joining Fit4Mom, a continuing education or art class, a mommy-and-me group, La Leche League, a church, synagogue or mosque, an adult sports team, or a hobby group (such as Pacific Puzzlers!).
- Use social media wisely. Digital platforms can offer connection (one study found 90 percent of moms rely on them for support), but they can also encourage unhealthy comparisons.
- Choose grace over perfection. High expectations of surface-level factors (job, financial status, age) and scrutiny over parenting style may cause moms to withdraw if they feel judged. Motherhood is an ongoing process of discovery and growth—and everyone makes mistakes. Wirt says it wasn’t until she learned to accept her own imperfections that she was able to stop judging others.
- Broaden your “type.” Diversity expands perspectives. You may not always understand someone’s choices, but you can trust they come from a place of love—something all moms can relate to.
- Be vulnerable. When someone offers help, say yes—or even ask for it. Letting others support you is often the first step toward real connection.
- Step outside your comfort zone (especially if it’s indoors). Get outside. Skip delivery, avoid drive-throughs, and work or exercise in public spaces. The idea is to create more opportunities for connection.
- Be a good neighbor. “The people who live closest to you can be the best candidates for village building,” says C.J. Schneider, author of Mothers of the Village. Get to know them by organizing a block party, neighborhood social page, game night or community garage sale.
- Offer help. Villages thrive on give and take, so contribute to your community as much as you receive.
- Don’t get discouraged. “I went on so many ‘first dates’ trying to find the right mom friends,” says Jasmine Sohrakoff of San Diego’s College Area. “It was always so awkward, but we all wanted the same thing: connection, support, [and] to be seen and heard.”
Jennifer Garcia is a mama and wife in Lakeside. A Texas transplant, she recently expanded the borders of her village—though it’s still a work in progress.
