As any parent of a child with special needs knows, reactions to the aids our children use (hearing aids, cochlear implants, wheelchairs) and the behaviors they exhibit can range from curiosity, to gentle teasing, to outright bullying. Bullying is a serious problem in many schools; it is estimated that 30 percent of students in grades 6-10 have been involved in some sort of a bullying incident.
While there are no specific numbers attached to the number of children with special needs who are targeted, research suggests that children with observable disabilities may be twice as likely to be bullied.
1 What is Bullying? How Does It Affect Children?
In her book, “The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander,” Barbara Coloroso suggests that bullying stems from intolerance towards differences. Coloroso states that it can be hard to draw the line between ordinary meanness and bullying—not every incident or unkind remark is bullying. It’s important to help your child understand that hurtful remarks and behaviors are not about something that is wrong or bad about them, instead it is the other child that is displaying inappropriate behavior.
Children need to be taken seriously when they talk about behavior or words used by other children that hurt them. However, getting your child to talk about bullying can be difficult, especially as they get older. The reasons for children not wanting to talk about bullying range from being ashamed of the situation, to thinking that no one, not even an adult, will be able to help them.
“Children usually give us clues. We just need to be tuned into them,” says Coloroso. “If your gut says it’s happening, it probably is.”
2 Help Your Child Be More Resilient
Parental feelings and emotions about a diagnosis can be a huge factor in the development of your child’s self image and how he feels about his abilities. If you are conflicted about your child’s diagnosis, your child can pick up on your feelings and internalize that there is something wrong with him.
On the other hand if your child feels he is perfect just the way he is, he will be better able to internalize these feelings and when someone does call him a name or put him down he is better able to roll with it because he knows the problem lies with the person doing the name-calling rather than with himself.
“Children want to fit in, they want to be part of a group,” says Dr. Jennifer Reesman, director of the DREAM (Deafness-Related Evaluations and More) Clinic. “Oftentimes I hear of situations where the child will go along with a group that is really making fun of him, because he doesn’t realize the difference.”
Reesman suggests that families talk about friendship at home. “Start at an early age and discuss the idea of friendship. Help your child understand the difference between what friends do and what friends don’t do. Find out who your child’s friends are, invite them over to your house, stay connected with how they talk and play together.”
The difference between friendly and unfriendly teasing has to do with the cues that surround the words—tone of voice, body posture, and facial expressions—cues that children with special needs often have a difficult time picking up on. Role-play different scenarios with your child. Say phrases to him in a friendly voice and a mean voice—have him distinguish between the two and also have him practice what he could do in response.
3 Give Your Child the Language
Parents are often conflicted in telling their child the specifics of his diagnosis. This is especially true when the parents are not comfortable with the diagnosis themselves and don’t want to burden their child.
Nick Durbin, author of “Asperger Syndrome and Bullying: Strategies and Solutions,” asserts that “children have a right to know their differences actually have a name, and that while it doesn’t define who they are, it can help them become more aware of their needs.”
Reesman suggests keeping the responses simple and age appropriate. Make sure your child can answer questions about his special needs and about any devices or aids that he uses and that he understands what his therapy sessions are intended to accomplish. Help him practice at home so he becomes really comfortable with his explanation.
4 Build Friendship Skills
Many children with special needs may have reduced opportunities for incidental learning of social information, where they “overhear” their friends and teachers negotiating social spaces, this gap in knowledge can increase their vulnerability. Help your child practice taking turns in a conversation; asking questions about others; how to advocate for themselves when they have difficulties following conversations; and how to make “small talk” with others, complimenting them on what they are wearing or how they play a particular sport.
It can also be difficult for your child to read the expressions of others and he also might be unaware of the signals he is sending with his own body language. Practice with your child at home. Have him make faces that mirror the way he is feeling (happy, sad, excited). Also practice body language skills: “How could you approach a group and look friendly?”
5 Build “Social Currency”
Dr. Richard C. Horowitz, parenting coach and author of “Family Centered Parenting,” describes this as “where a child stands in relation to others within their community, all those unwritten rules that are part of schoolyard life.” Help your child feel secure in their abilities and in what they have to contribute to a group.
“It’s really about helping your child realize that their differences don’t define them,” says one mother. “My daughter’s hearing loss is only such a small part of who she is. She is an accomplished dancer, soccer player and an animal lover. If someone is making fun of her, I tell her, they are not really taking the time to get to know what a great person she is.”
6 Make Connections
Connect with children who live in your neighborhood and children from different areas. Look for opportunities for your child to develop friendships outside school through different groups, activities, and teams, whether it’s a sports team, art class or dance.
“If your child feels connected and valued in one group of friends they will be less vulnerable to mistreatment in another location,” says Reesman.
7 Put It Into Practice
Horowitz says, “Families can practice different responses to use in a situation and also how to approach an adult for help.”
Reesman stresses the importance of having a safe person that your child can go to for help. Designate an adult either at school (teacher, coach, therapist, or administrator) that will listen to your child no matter what and will take his concerns seriously. It can make a huge difference in the life of your child if he knows he has someone he can talk to and go to for help.
“We have tried several approaches and we haven’t found just one solution that works every time,” says Sharla Jordan, mother of six boys (four with special needs), “the best we can do is help them manage their emotions, stand up for themselves and handle each situation separately.”
---------------
Krystyann Krywko, Ed. D. is a writer and education researcher who specializes in hearing loss and special needs and the impact a diagnosis has on children and families. She writes from a parental, as well as a personal, perspective, as she and her young son were diagnosed with hearing loss one year apart.
Published: March 2013
