In our hectic lives we often fail to notice the role that daily rituals play for good mental health. Many of us are not even aware of how significant daily rituals can be. What is a ritual? Why are rituals so important?
Rituals are repeated, often ceremonious acts that are an integral part of nature. All species in the animal kingdom have rituals related to food, grooming and socialization. From birth to death our lives are shaped by ritualistic behaviors. When we initially think about rituals it is often holidays or special occasions that come to mind—such as making resolutions at New Year’s or preparing the same meal each year on a holiday. However, the smaller, daily rituals that we engage in with ourselves and our loved ones are the things that contribute to a happy, healthy life. Daily rituals help to create lifelong bonds between people. These actions help to deepen our daily experiences and to create connectedness with the people in our lives.
You can probably think of many daily habits that you do ritualistically like drinking your coffee, reading the newspaper or checking your email. These habits become rituals when we consciously think of the action that we are performing and we allow these acts to create a sense of safety, security and order in our day. Think of what happens when these rituals are missed? Do you feel “out of it” if you have to rush and miss your morning coffee? Or is rushing a part of the morning ritual? The daily rituals that we establish with partners, friends, children and family offer the opportunity to solidify relationships and create consistency.
The first thing to consider when evaluating your existing family rituals or when trying to create new ones is the type of ritual. Rituals fall into four categories:
• Hello/goodbye rituals
• Bedtime rituals
• Mealtime rituals
• Once a week rituals.
Hello/ goodbye rituals could be using the same morning greeting with your child each day, hugging your spouse as soon as he walks in the door at night or wishing someone to have a safe and happy day as they walk out the door in the morning. It does not have to be time consuming but the consistency of the words and actions provides a sense of reliability, stability and connection.
Bedtime rituals are especially comforting to children. Reading a story followed a hug and a kiss, saying a prayer or taking a moment to peacefully reflect on the positive aspects of their day creates a relaxing moment and a sense of closure on the day. It sets up a healthy boundary between waking time and sleep time. As adults we tend to forget about the importance of this for ourselves.
Notice or create your own bedtime rituals. Do you have to watch the news or your favorite late night show? Or is reading a book your way to decompress before bed? Keeping a gratitude journal is a wonderful bedtime ritual. Write down 5 things that you are grateful for that day (seeing a rainbow, lighter than usual traffic on the way to work, getting all of your work tasks accomplished, or a phone call from a friend). Noticing and appreciating the little things in life is a positive way to end your day.
Family meals are becoming a forgotten ritual in our society. The dinner table has long been a place of sharing and connection. Today we have late nights at work, hockey practice, dance classes or piano lessons and it is becoming more and more difficult to make the meal time sacred. Family dinners are an excellent way to keep abreast of what is going on in everyone’s lives. There are other ways to create mealtime rituals. If you cannot make a nightly family dinner, try a weekly pizza night or see if breakfast is a better opportunity to talk. Wake everyone up 15 minutes earlier and sit together to discuss plans for the day. Turn the radio off in the car in the morning and talk with the kids as they eat their breakfast on the way to school. Remember that the conversation may not always flow freely at the beginning but things will develop as a ritual is formed.
Once a week rituals are also part of these “daily” rituals, since they are about creating those bonds that form over time. You and your partner may have a weekly date night. Perhaps this once a week activity might just be something that you all do together as a family—watch a sporting event each Friday, plan to play racquetball together every Sunday, volunteer at a local community soup kitchen, or choose a different activity each week but use the same block of time to do it. You could even break the family into smaller groups to do things together so you get one-on-one or small group interaction time with different people. It would be great if each family member could have the opportunity to plan an activity.
The final thing to consider in developing rituals is the ingredients: symbols, when it will take place, where it will take place and who will be involved. A symbol of a birthday ritual might be cake or candles. Perhaps you think of pumpkins or ghosts when thinking about Halloween. The weekly family day may include donuts first thing in the morning. These symbols trigger your mind to think about the good times that you have had. When developing a ritual, try to choose a symbol to incorporate that can be a reminder of that experience. As for the when, where and who of the ritual try to have consistency. If you have two children and two parents you may choose to alternate nights for the bedtime ritual so each parent gets some special time with each child but make sure to keep the when and where the same. It is ok to let the when or where change, but incorporate those decisions about the details into the family ritual.
There are no concrete rules to creating rituals. No one knows your family, their interests and their stressors better than you. What may work for one couple may not work for you. Do not allow yourself to be discouraged when it goes slowly at first. It takes at least 90 days to form a habit and building new rituals is no exception. Start small and choose something that is meaningful for you and your family. Soon you will be able to build upon that and add more significant rituals to your life that will help you to relate to your loved ones and create happier, healthier relationships.
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Dianne Durante, Ed.S., is author of “Everyday Symbols for Joyful Living,” a book that inspires readers to use seven common items (penny, elastic band, pencil, crayon, candle, seashell and chocolate heart) in order to have a richer, happier life. A licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and business consultant, Dianne conducts motivational workshops nationwide with her daughter, Kirsten Hagman, LMSW. A popular speaker, she combines symbols and stories, keeping audiences learning and laughing. For more information visit www.DianneDurante.com.
