coping with grief during holidays party 2374

The holidays can be stressful even under normal circumstances. But for some, life circumstances may make them feel more challenging than ever—even for the jolliest among us. If your family is struggling with disappointment, anxiety or sadness this holiday season, know that you’re not alone.

 

Psychologist Pauline Boss calls losses with unresolved circumstances “ambiguous loss.” Without clear boundaries or resolution, it’s easy to feel like you’re in “grief limbo,” and the holidays can magnify that grief.

 

Grief isn’t only about losing a loved one. Grief is the normal and natural process of letting go when experiencing any type of loss.

 

Circumstances that keep families apart, health issues, financial woes and job loss are just some of the challenges families may be experiencing. It’s OK to acknowledge that things aren’t the same this year, and if you’re feeling sad or disappointed, imagine how the kids might be feeling. Here’s how to help manage those feelings and set a reassuring tone in your home during this challenging holiday season.

 

Recognize what’s happening. Loss stirs up a range of emotions that on the surface might not look like sadness or grief. It could more closely resemble anger, frustration, confusion, disbelief or denial. Some people may desperately power their way through to keep up a false front of holiday cheer. Acknowledge the realities you're facing and give your family grace, compassion and understanding to process mixed emotions.

 

Stay connected. Don’t let disappointments prevent you from connecting in creative ways. Use Zoom, FaceTime, or video messaging apps like Marco Polo to stay connected to loved ones. Teach less tech-savvy family members how to use these tools so you can enjoy things together like streaming concerts, worship services, holiday feasts and opening gifts together remotely. 

 

Be flexible and make new memories. Press pause on traditions that aren’t possible this year and let go of guilt. Brainstorm ways to create new memories this year.

 

Kirsten Casillas is a writer and popular speaker at moms groups throughout California. She suggests families discuss new experiences that are unique to this year. For example, one year Casillas and her daughters made a holiday songbook and went caroling to bring holiday cheer to neighbors. “It’s just one small way to be intentional about choosing joy in the midst of difficult days,” she says. “It will be different and memorable for all of us, and hopefully an example that we don’t have to shut down when things get hard.”

 

Get back to basics. If your holiday season is usually overwhelmed with scheduled activities and long to-do lists, consider the current restrictions an invitation to finally slow down and get back to basics. Here are a few ideas:

  • Read holiday books with kids.
  • Write down treasured memories and send them to grandparents or others you can’t be with.
  • Make festive holiday foods together.
  • Host a cookie-baking party on Zoom.
  • Dance to favorite holiday music.
  • Watch family-favorite Christmas movies.
  • Spread joy to neighbors with homemade or humorous gifts.

 

Practice hope and gratitude. North County grandfather, Bob Meissner is a retired Air Force Chaplain with years of counseling experience. He says, “One big factor of suffering a loss is getting buried under negative emotions and losing a sense of gratitude. There are simple ways to find it again.” Meissner suggests small things like going around the dinner table and sharing what everyone is thankful for. Or lighting a gratitude candle and asking everyone to share feelings.

“You may have to look harder for the good things, but they’re still there,” says Meissner. “When you notice and share them with one another, you’ll find that joy can co-exist with sadness or disappointment.”

 

Casillas adds that writing down three things you’re grateful for every day helps change your perspective. “It reminds you that there are still good things happening.” 

When kids express disappointment, it’s OK to say, “I’m disappointed, too.” Then rally together to create memories that will stand as a testimony to your family’s resilience and creativity in the midst of adversity.

 

IF YOU NEED HELP

  • If you or your children are struggling with lingering sadness or are experiencing other signs of grief such as loss of sleep or appetite, contact your healthcare provider or call the San Diego Access and Crisis Line 24/7 at 888-724-7240.

 

Resources for Families Grieving the Loss of a Loved One

  1. Isabella’s Giraffe Club offers bereavement workshops called Good Grief to Go. The 4-session workshops provide support, encouragement and tools that help participants through the grief process and towards healing. Free for immediate family members. Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or visit www.isabellasgiraffeclub.org for information.

  2. Local author, mom and former grief counselor, Jayna Russell wrote When Mama Goes to Heaven after losing a family friend and mother of four to COVID. It’s the first in a series of children’s books to help kids understand and process loss.

  3. Find more coping tips in the article “Dealing with Grief in a Time of Joy.”

 

 

Jody Lee Cates is a local mom and award-winning writer who blogs about healthy relationships at www.jodyleecates.com

____________

The Super Dentists' Mommy & Me Wellness Series

The Super Dentists' Mommy & Me Wellness Series

  As the spring season blooms, parents in the San Diego area are in for a treat with the launch of The Super Dentists' eagerly anticipated "Mommy & Me" Wellness Series.  Set to kick . . .

Read more

9 Ways to Encourage Peace Between Siblings

9 Ways to Encourage Peace Between Siblings

  Anyone with multiple children (or their own siblings) knows that sibling squabbles are a normal part of childhood. Even so, any type of ongoing or escalated family conflict wears parents down. . . .

Read more

Setting Healthy Boundaries with Gift-Giving Relatives

Setting Healthy Boundaries with Gift-Giving Relatives

It's a common problem. On one side are well-meaning relatives—grandparents, aunties and uncles—who want to shower the kids with gifts. On the other side are parents trying to raise children who . . .

Read more

Parenting with Purpose: Simplify Life and Help Your Family Thrive

Parenting with Purpose: Simplify Life and Help Your Family Thrive

This year, consider applying the springtime ritual of cleaning and getting things in order to all areas of your family’s life. Don’t just scrub corners and clear out closets—evaluate how too m . . .

Read more

Not a Perfect Parent? Not a Problem. How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Kids

Not a Perfect Parent? Not a Problem. How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Kids

  Wouldn’t it be wonderful to parent with confidence that our mistakes and imperfections won’t harm our kids? That despite our flaws, they will grow up emotionally healthy and well-balanced? . . .

Read more

Early Childhood Red Flags

Early Childhood Red Flags

Are you getting a sense that your child may be "different" from other children? Here are early childhood red flags that need attention.  “Einstein didn’t speak until he was 4 years old” . . .

Read more

The Key to Strengthening Family Bonds

The Key to Strengthening Family Bonds

  A family of four recently caught my eye at the beach. Lying side by side on a blanket under a cloudless sky, with sand toys and a picnic basket carefully laid out, this family had the makings . . .

Read more

Teaching Kids to Care: The unexpected power of essential life skills

Teaching Kids to Care: The unexpected power of essential life skills

  This is part one of a two-part series. Read part two in our November issue to learn how teaching kids to care for themselves and family naturally extends to caring for community.   It's . . .

Read more

Why and How to Delay Giving Kids a Phone

Why and How to Delay Giving Kids a Phone

When I set out to write this article, I was hoping to provide an antidote to the alarming stories I’d read about kids and smartphones. However, the research really does paint a clear picture. Stud . . .

Read more

Parenting with Purpose: Solving the Mystery of Afternoon Meltdowns

Parenting with Purpose: Solving the Mystery of Afternoon Meltdowns

Ever wonder why kids seem to unleash their negative emotions as soon as they come home from school or daycare? A local dad (who wishes to remain anonymous) describes what many parents experience: . . .

Read more

Parenting with Purpose: Healthy Risk-Taking Helps Kids Thrive

Parenting with Purpose: Healthy Risk-Taking Helps Kids Thrive

It's a fact of life for every parent. Part of our job is to reduce risk and ensure the safety of the tiny humans placed in our care. After all, risks seem scary, right? Even the dictionary equates r . . .

Read more

How and Why to Develop  Growth Mindset in Kids

How and Why to Develop Growth Mindset in Kids

Is intelligence something you’re born with or something that develops? Is failure an opportunity to learn and grow, or something that impedes success? How a parent answers these questions greatly . . .

Read more

How to Make a Family Technology Contract

How to Make a Family Technology Contract

We raise our kids to be polite and respectful in person so why wouldn't we stress those same values in the online environment? A digital citizenship contract will help spell out your expectations of . . .

Read more

Turn Words Into Action: Create a Family Action Plan for Change

Turn Words Into Action: Create a Family Action Plan for Change

For families who want to be part of the change to end racial inequality, there's never been a better time to create a family action plan. A thoughtful plan, built around empathy and compassion, equi . . .

Read more

Give Your Family the Gift of Laughter

Give Your Family the Gift of Laughter

I was born on April 1, so I know a thing or two about humor. April Fools’ Day jokes and gifts make celebrating my birthday an adventure in laughter. I once received a large box of dirt topped with . . .

Read more

Parenting with Purpose: Raising Resilient Kids

Parenting with Purpose: Raising Resilient Kids

Teaching children how to do difficult things comes with parenting. We coach and encourage kids through frustration, tears and bursts of anger as they learn to tie shoes, write their names and ride a . . .

Read more

Be Family Informed – Sign up for our Newsletters below!

Subscribe